Thursday, April 2, 2009
Desperate For God
There have been many times in my life when I have faced desperate situations. Each situation required intervention beyond my control and each demanded that I fall on my knees before God, seeking His help--begging His guidance. During these times I was, indeed, desperate for God to move, to intervene in some way. Now, looking back on those circumstances, I am ashamed to admit that I was more desperate for God's help than I was for God Himself.
Desperate is defined as, "almost hopeless: grave: overpowering: intense,". In recalling past events and circumstances, I can say that each one of them fit the definition. When the death of loved ones came, it was grave and overpowering. When my daughter was born with both hips dislocated and I was told she would never walk normally, it was almost hopeless. When I watched the one person I loved most in my life walk away--when I was left with nothing but my lonliness--when my despair sucked all the joy out of my life--it was, indeed, intense. All the definitions of desperate have touched my life at one time or another, sometimes all at once. Through it all, I begged God to lift the darkness that seemed to hold my very soul captive. I begged for one day, just one, where I could feel the "SON" on my face. Yes, I prayed. I prayed hard.
Years would pass before I could finally understand that, not only did I need God to move in my most trying moments, I needed "Him" most of all. I needed His presence to be with me. I needed His Word to be hidden in my heart. I needed His love to comfort me. I needed to be more desperate for God Himself than for any action He could perform. You see, I knew how to depend on God for resolution of my problems. I knew that, if I waited patiently and prayerfully, He would come to me. What I didn't know was the joy I could have whether my situation changed or not. What I didn't know was that having a relationship with God would make any circumstance bearable. I needed to be desperate for God, not for what God could do for me.
I found myself weeping in repentance. I became so hungry for God, I could not lay down my Bible. I sang everywhere I went, I hummed at my patient's bedside, I prayed myself to sleep. I do not share this to boast--I share this in the hope that each of you who read may be inspired to deepen your relationship with God.
He is the air I breathe. He is my daily bread. He is my provider. I love the Psalm that says,
"But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me;
my glory, and the lifter up of mine head."
How many times my precious God has lifted my head from sadness and despair! How many times He has shielded me and given me peace. Words fail to describe the love I have for such a God as this! If there is any goodness about me, if there is anything noble within my heart, let me assure you it is Him. Without Him, I could do nothing--be nothing--achieve nothing. I am a desperate woman. I am a desperate child. I am desperate for God.